Meditation is hard. I would say mastering own’s mind is the most difficult thing in the world. It is so hard that most people do not see any point in even starting sitting quietly observing own breathe. It took me 26 years to realise the caliber of the problem with human’s mind and how meditation can help. Progress in meditation is slow and mostly unnoticeable, which can be very frustrating. A retreat like this can really speed things up. A daily meditation practice is like walking from Moscow to Beijing. A 10 days retreat would be akin to taking a train on the way. Granted finishing the retreat is not an easy feat and I cannot say that it gets easier with time, but the benefit from such a course is enormous, no matter what your meditation background is (if any).
Having said that concentration meditation is relatively easy. You observe your breathe or any other object, get lost in those seductive thoughts, and return to observing the object. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat again. Do it about 173478233 times and eventually it will become easier. On the other hand vipassana or insight meditation is much more subtle. Concentration is no longer the point, but a tool. Instead you develop equanimity and awareness. Equanimity goes by many different names: accepting what it is, being in the moment, not giving a fuck and so on. It is basically accepting the reality as it is this very moment instead of escaping to the world of past and future. A very tricky business, especially when you have a huge emotional storm or waves of pure bliss coming onto you. How not react to that, indeed? The second tool of vipassana is awareness. Awareness is the knowledge of what is going on inside your body, mind and outside world from moment to moment. More specifically it is the momentary knowledge of five aggregates, but a discussion of those goes way beyond the scope of this short blog post. Can you feel the touch of your body and the surface you are sitting on? Did you moments ago? This is what awareness is all about, but on a much deeper level.
These are the intellectual facts, but understanding them on a deeper level is a whole different matter. Knowledge and experience are two different beasts and vipassana is all about your personal experience. Seeing and experiencing things for yourself deep inside. Simple as that.
On the fourth day a jhana manifested itself for the first time. Jhanas are pleasurable (sometimes very) mental states reached through intense concentration. Completely natural and not banned by the government too. The same day was marked with the start of sittings of strong determination, where you are not supposed to change a posture or open eyes for one hour. Pain from sitting was not really a problem, as I knew the suffering would go away anyway. I felt very sorry for a chap, who had asked an assistant teacher about the sitting pain the day before and had got the answer “Just change a posture”. Subtle form of humour maybe? Towards the end of the retreat I got so cocky that sat in a posture that hurt straight from the beginning not bothering to fix it. Familiar feelings lost their familiarity and became just sensations. From the fifth day on things started getting into an uncharted territory marked with strong and solid meditation sessions with no movement or breaks. A urge to slouch the back is just another sensation after all and thus can be safely observed without a reaction. Blissful meditation sessions were followed by periods of intense fear and infinite sadness just like that. Mind changes so quick. Nothing is permanent, even if the mind tries to make it so. Not even that incredible pain in the left leg.
At some point I developed enough energy to practice lying meditation and not to fall asleep. Oh the pleasure of staying two extra hours meditating in the warm bed in the mornings followed by a walk in the forest and a breakfast. The need for sleep diminished to the point I had problems getting asleep towards the end of the course. Why sleep after all, when you can meditate? The meditative jhana state became the baseline. The line between sitting sessions and breaks blurred. On the ninth day the mind was quietened to the point of no mind. “I” (who is this I anyway?) knew what to do at each moment, no mental processes needed. The function of the mind was reduced to the silent observer. Fascinating and scary at the same time.
On the last day the silence ended and fun and excitement began. So many things to share with other people, so many stories to tell. It is fascinating to see people of all ages and all backgrounds. Wandering travellers, a doctor from Oslo, a school teacher from Luxembourg, a musician from Togo, a company executive leading a stressful life, an accountant from Holland and so on. There is no vipassana type people. It is like one of those travel destinations (read Hat Yuan), where you can expect meet anyone. Social status or background does not matter here.
A vipassana retreat is a ten days non-stop festival with music, sex, interesting stories, long-forgotten memories, ecstasy and bliss, fear and loathing, make your pick – all going inside your head. This was my third retreat and second Goenka (first, second). Cannot say that this thing gets easier with experience. Intense as always, but with a different flavour. As far as practicalities are concerned, it was exactly the same as the last time. The only change I’ve noticed was breakfast coffee in the spite of the “no intoxicant” precept. I actually asked the assistant teacher about this inconsistency and the reply was that coffee is no intoxicant, as it does not change one’s state of mind. “What about tobacco then?” “It is not an intoxicant as well”. Different retreats do indeed have their own peculiarities.
I pondered my misery on the first day over the breakfast: “What am I doing here? Same thing all over again and no novelty to look forward into.” Ten days of Goenka’s bad singing, rituals and overall cult tendencies were a bit too much for me. Then again the teaching is sound and the time spent meditating is never wasted. What is time if not an illusion? I realised that in no time it would be the tenth day, I would have my mysli with fresh fruits and yoghurt and a cup of rooibos. Knowing that in two hours Noble Silence would be over and there would be the whole day ahead full of fun, excitement, noble and not-so-noble chattering. And so it happened.
The first three days were rather uneventful. Grumpy mornings filled with hunger and horny thoughts and struggling with Goenka’s annoying manner of speaking. “Goenka sounds like an airplane about to take off”, I wrote in my diary on the third day. In a true rebel without a cause fashion I kept my diary throughout the course against the rules. The intentions were right, though, and this is what matters the most. Right away I got an important insight – about the weather in Sweden at this time of the year. It rained a lot and wind blew almost constantly. Not a good weather for cycling, but on the other hand it was a good stimulus to meditate. There was no point in staying outside and I could not stand the dorm, so the only option was to sit in the meditation hall. Generally speaking there is no use to try to escape meditation in such an environment, as there is nothing else to do there anyway. The only entertainment options are meals and evening discourses and those are at predefined times. Either you avoid meditation and feel very sorry for yourself or sit and feel less miserable. After all it is your choice to be there and the meditation is the main reason why you are there. Mind is a cunning beast, though, creating most subtle traps, so convincing yourself to sit and observe your breathe again and again is not always the easiest task.